Where every Major League team would be if they all relocated to my 1,000 square foot condominium.
New York Yankees
My relatively expensive living room couch.
Boston Red Sox
My pretty expensive living room chair that’s basically the same as the couch but is smaller and easier to read in.
Toronto Blue Jays
My much-cleaner-than-me-upstairs-neighbor’s kitchen.
The expensive lithographic that I inherited that looks like an original painting but is actually just a remarkably good reprint.
The office window that is, for whatever reason, perpetually fogged up.
Chicago White Sox
The extra leaf that extends the dining room table but mostly we just keep it in the closet.
The molding above the entryway that was in much better shape in the 1950s and could probably look good again but I don’t see how I’m gonna afford that.
The dining room window that looks onto the parking lot and thus only people who live in my building, having moved in 1961 from the living room window that looks onto the street and G-d knows what sorts of people.
Kansas City Royals
The dead center of said parking lot.
Somewhere in that box of very old children’s books someone gave us that we’re afraid to look through in part because some of them have got to be pretty racist right?
The good shower.
The too-hot-to-touch radiator cover in the office, having moved in 1972 from the living room window that looks onto the street and G-d knows what sorts of people.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Not the flat screen, but near the flat screen.
The hole in the bedroom wall that the electrician made and said he’d fix but instead he tried to just slap putty on it and it fell off and the thing just looks worse every day and I hate it.
My 2-year-old son’s bedroom when we ask him to clean up on his own and he puts his toys in the diaper pale because whatever and zoning is stupid.
New York Mets
Underneath the living room couch.
The bad shower.
The office couch that’s fine but I can’t remember the last time I sat on it or why I would have.
The interior hallway in which there is nothing to do but you need to go through it to get basically anywhere.
The living room window.
The dining room table.
Behind the living room couch, but you’d be surprised cause it’s actually really cool if you go there!
St. Louis Cardinals
Shelf where I keep the Jonathan Franzen books.
The kids table.
The little tiny space between the hallway and the bathroom that seems like it should be usable for something but is not.
Los Angeles Dodgers
The flat screen.
San Francisco Giants
Expensive kitchen-gadget drawer.
San Diego Padres
The little cooler I fill with ice and beer for a party once a year.
The little closet thing above the real closet that I always forget is there.
The worst place.