Where every Major League team would be if they all relocated to my 1,000 square foot condominium.

 

AL East

New York Yankees

 My relatively expensive living room couch.

 Boston Red Sox

 My pretty expensive living room chair that’s basically the same as the couch but is smaller and easier to read in.

 Toronto Blue Jays

My much-cleaner-than-me-upstairs-neighbor’s kitchen.

Baltimore Orioles

The expensive lithographic that I inherited that looks like an original painting but is actually just a remarkably good reprint.

 Tampa Rays

 The office window that is, for whatever reason, perpetually fogged up.

AL Central

Chicago White Sox

The extra leaf that extends the dining room table but mostly we just keep it in the closet.

 Detroit Tigers

 The molding above the entryway that was in much better shape in the 1950s and could probably look good again but I don’t see how I’m gonna afford that.

 Minnesota Twins

 The dining room window that looks onto the parking lot and thus only people who live in my building, having moved in 1961 from the living room window that looks onto the street and G-d knows what sorts of people.

 Kansas City Royals

 The dead center of said parking lot.

 Cleveland Indians

 Somewhere in that box of very old children’s books someone gave us that we’re afraid to look through in part because some of them have got to be pretty racist right?

AL West

Seattle Mariners

The good shower.

 Texas Rangers

 The too-hot-to-touch radiator cover in the office, having moved in 1972 from the living room window that looks onto the street and G-d knows what sorts of people.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

 Not the flat screen, but near the flat screen.

Oakland A’s

 The hole in the bedroom wall that the electrician made and said he’d fix but instead he tried to just slap putty on it and it fell off and the thing just looks worse every day and I hate it.

Houston Astros

 My 2-year-old son’s bedroom when we ask him to clean up on his own and he puts his toys in the diaper pale because whatever and zoning is stupid.

NL East

New York Mets

 Underneath the living room couch.

Miami Marlins

 The bad shower.

Philadelphia Phillies

The office couch that’s fine but I can’t remember the last time I sat on it or why I would have.

 Atlanta Braves

 The interior hallway in which there is nothing to do but you need to go through it to get basically anywhere.

 Washington Nationals

 The living room window.

NL Central

Chicago Cubs

 The dining room table.

Pittsburgh Pirates

 Behind the living room couch, but you’d be surprised cause it’s actually really cool if you go there!

 St. Louis Cardinals

 Shelf where I keep the Jonathan Franzen books.

 Milwaukee Brewers

The kids table.

Cincinnati Reds

 The little tiny space between the hallway and the bathroom that seems like it should be usable for something but is not.

NL West

Los Angeles Dodgers

 The flat screen.

San Francisco Giants

 Expensive kitchen-gadget drawer.

 San Diego Padres

 The little cooler I fill with ice and beer for a party once a year.

 Colorado Rockies

 The little closet thing above the real closet that I always forget is there.

Arizona Diamondbacks

 The worst place.